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Japanese Shoot 'Em Ups/Transcript
Video Here ---------------------------------------------------------------\/ in brackets = text not spoken but shown on screen Jon (VO): The Japanese make some crazy shit, and what can you expect? They lived isolated on an island for like, what, thousands of years? Your brain's bound to make up some weird stuff. Jon (VO): At one time I saw Tom Hanks was living on an island, he became best friends with a ball. A BALL! And he was only there for like a couple of years! Can you imagine how many tentacles this ball would've had coming out if you gave him a couple more decades on that island? Jon (VO): But nowhere was this craziness better exemplified than the Japanese Shoot 'Em Up genre. And to that, this meant no holds barred. You can make a game about an artichoke that shoots scud missiles and it probably sell, in fact, I think that exists... I think I have that it's a platinum-selling. Jon: Ah, the memories of this one. I still have the nightmares. Jon (VO): Well, you got your classics like Galaxian and Galaga the mothers of all modern shoot-'em-up. You got your arcade favorites like Raiden, TwinBee, R-Type, and Gradius. And then there are the ones that are a little more out there like Space Harrier or Parodius. Now, most of them at least make some sense, but those aren't the ones we're talking about today. We're gonna look at some of the weirder games this genre has to offer. Fantasy Zone (Master System) Jon: Let's start with Fantasy Zone, a classic example of the sub-genre known as Cute 'Em Ups. Jon (VO): The projective is to destroy flowers in pollen and I dunno, bugs, and stuff. They're all really cute and it makes me feel bad because maybe I'm really the bad guy? Jon (VO): This one stands out because you can travel in both directions which was a pretty significant deviation from the normal side-scrolling or vertical scrolling shooter back then. You bounce back and forth and blow up enemies to collect coins. Classic! You buy power-ups for your ship, fight a boss, and advance to the next level. Jon (VO): What's interesting here is that it's structured like an iPhone game or even like a flash game, and we all know how popular those kinds of games have become in recent years so popular the markets oversaturated to the brim. Jon (VO): Thirty years worth of foresight. Damn Sega, want to use that some of that nowadays? Some of tha-Some of that like this? Fuck's goin' on with y'all? Jon (VO): The ship in this game adorably named Opa-Opa has actually been considered to be one of Sega's first mascot characters. Jon (VO): Wow, to think this guy's up there with the likes of Alex Kidd, Sonic the Hedgehog, and Billy the Sex Offender! What, did you-Did you forget about that guy? Well, I didn't. I'll never forget, Sega. Jon (VO): Hey, Woah! Maybe it takes some Pepto-Bismol before you come into work! Geez-e, I spitting peas all over the dang place! Panorama Cotton (Genesis) Jon: Next up is a game called Panorama Cotton a game about... you know. Jon (VO): Cotton, I guess? and Panor- uh Panoramic pictures? Those are nice. Jon (VO): Let me tell you, the story here is one for the ages, like, oh, alright, what's that? Yeah? okay. yeah, alright, I'm into it. Jon (VO): Oh now that's what I'm talkin' about! Alright, that's all the motivation I need, let's get this show on the road. Jon (VO): Man, I don't know exactly what, but some shit is going down right now. Jon (VO): Woah! Woah, Woah, okay, alright, that's good! Yeah, I think I know where I am again now. Jon (VO): Oh, wait, no, I was wrong, still absolutely confused. Jon (VO): This game is kind of like Space Harrier actually and surprisingly it's pretty fun to play. It feels good to move, speed up, slow down, and grab the power-ups. QUEEEEEEEEEF Jon (VO): Oh, now that was just inappropriate. Harmful Park (PS1) Jon: Alright, what's next on the bill? let's see uh, Harmful Park. High-brow Gag & Pure Shooting. Jon: I mean sho- should I be holding this? like, can I- can I show this on this show? It's just fucked-up, dude. Jon (VO): "High-brow Gag & Pure Shooting"? Sounds like we're talking about an aristocratic serial killer, what is that supposed to mean? Jon (VO): Oh, okay, so Harmful Park refers to the fact that we are literally in a theme park, that is dangerous, as in it is filled with enemies that will harm you. Jon: Oh, I get it now, it's like my other favorite game: True Sword & Lots Magic: Adventure Boy! Jon (VO): There's our nomenclature aside, this game is amazing. I mean, this is simply one of the best Shoot-'Em-Ups I've ever played and I've never heard of it up until now. Jon (VO): You got weapons like pie, which is throwing pies, ice okay that's totally ice we're looking and potato? and J- um... Jerry? JERRY?! Jon: Jon's getting upset! Jon (VO): I'm willing to take a guess they meant jelly, like in jelly beans, because that's what it looks like you're shooting. Jon (VO): Oh my god. Jon (VO): Well, this guy's got a cat living in his head so that might explain the whole anger thing there. Jon: (sigh) That Frankenstein just flipped me the double bird, and then lasers came out. Jon: Two can play at that game. Jon (VO): Now I'm gonna wager the only truly a harmful thing in this part is me, you know, the lady shooting lasers and everything, okay. Keio Flying Squadron (Sega CD) Jon: Next up is a game called Keio Flying Squadron for the Sega CD. Least this one has a somewhat normal name. Jon: Uh, is that gonna be on the test? Jon (VO): Oh, I get it now, History Science! Jon (VO): This game is great, too, honestly, it plays well just like Harmful Park. Jon (VO): The animations are really smooth and it's got that whole Japanese mythological style going on, but it's uh it's a bit overshadowed by the uh... Jon: I'm scared, I'm movin' on! Zombie Nation (NES) Jon: When I set out to make this episode, there were two specific games I had in mind that I wanted to play, two that really stood above the rest. The first one, Samurai Zombie Nation. As you can see, I think this is really gonna be a treat just based on the cover. Jon (VO): Oh! Is that a witch?! Hey buddy, you alright? You gotta sneeze? Jon (VO): Somebody get this guy a tissue, and also, maybe a paperweight as he seems to be getting caught in this light breeze. Oh, and also, what was that?! Jon (VO): "1999- What appeared to be a harmless meteorite"? Yeah, I'm not sure harmless is the word I've used for that. "Crashing in the Nevada desert had turned out to be Darc Seed". Oh no, not him. "An evil alien creature with horrible powers." Jon: Alright, we're fine then, they just said. His powers suck. Jon (VO): "Darc Seed had turned the helpless nation into zombies and had brought the Statue of Liberty to life to do his dirty work." Jon: But what Darc Seed didn't realize is that she's too big to do inside people things, so he had to come to terms with doing his own laundry most of the time. Jon (VO): "These rays had also given him control over many deadly weapons, but none were powerful than the legendary samurai sword, Shura. When the great head of the samurai, Namakubi, heard that the sword had fallen into evil hands, he set off immediately for the United States." Jon (VO): Alright, familiar territory. First level, New York. Know it like the back of my hand. Jon (VO): What the fuck? Jon (VO): "Continue?" well, yes, absolutely, I don't ever want to stop doing that ever. Cho Aniki: Kyuukyoku Muteki Ginga Saikyou Otoko (PS1) Jon: Alright, we have seen some pretty crazy stuff today, but we've only got one game left, Cho Aniki I mean, what could this possibly throw at us to surprise us? I mean, we've seen it all by now. Jon (VO): I'm speechless. Quite literally. I don't-I don't even need to say anything, I think this does the talking for me. Jon (VO): Well. Here's Cho Aniki a game for the PlayStation 1 that was uh... something. Jon (VO): You can pick from a guy or a girl character, and they both look so enticing, don't they? Which one you gonna pick? Jon: AH! Jon (VO): Uh, here's the story. Willing to guess we don't need to listen to this. Jon: Okay, maybe we didn't need to listen to it after all. Jon (VO): No! Not my wiener! My one weakness! Jon (VO): So it doesn't matter what happens, you have to play that part before the actual game begins. I don't even know if it has any bearing on the actual gameplay. I even sat here and played until it ended naturally without me dying and nothing happens. Jon (VO): You know, this may come as a surprise, but I still don't know what the fuck is going on. You got a lady shoot lasers with two angels, you got muscular guys scooting by a computer chairs, muscular guy is in pogo stick on other muscular guys, it looks like Adam's back there waiting for God to come create him! Jon (VO): Oh. Hey there, how are you? Jon (VO): Oh okay, what do I have to pay to have you never look at me like that again? Jon: What did I just see? Was that Arnold Schwarzenegger with a comb-over sticking out his H. R. Giger-dick? Jon: I'm not looking again! Jon: OOOH, that's what it was, OOOOOH, that's what it is, that's the last one, it's over! Jon (VO): I- I-I literally can't believe what I'm looking at, I honestly can't believe it, it's a self-defense mechanism. Jon (VO): Alright, buddy, don't get too happy about this. Jon (VO): Oooooooh. Oh my god, what is that? Jon: Oh Lord, I think I'm comin' down with a case of the vapors. Jon: I have fallen... and I choose not to get up! Jon (VO): Well, at least Pope Francis decided to show up. Presumably to perform an exorcism on this shit. Jon (VO): I got to tell you, without this guy here to regulate this human pyramid fight, this would be truly chaos. That's what I call a hot mess. Hallelujah, its rainin' men! FUCK IT! FUCK IT! Jon (VO): What- What even is this one, a snail frog? Jon (VO): Oh god, what are you doing? Really. No, seriously. This is your method. did you practice this? Now I gotta tell you, I'm scared straight over here. Jon (VO): What is even happening here? Is this a glitch? Jon (VO): It is not a glitch! a- this one- this was explicitly programmed by someone! I've- I have lost faith! I've lost faith! Jon: I'm not going back in. no, I won't do it. Seriously, no, I'm not going back in it's a stone cut. Can maybe somebody put me back in the Kubrick? I want to go back in the Kubrick. Like, somebody maybe can take me to the room where I become an old man and watch myself die? Yeah? it's fine, like, you don't even need to give me the whole space baby thing. I'll go without space baby. Okay, fine, I'll take a space baby. THIS IS UNFINISHED! DO NOT TAMPER WITH, PLEASE! Category:Transcripts